What Bush Really Meant: Part 2- War on Terror

Twenty-eight months have passed since September 11th, 2001. Over two years without an attack on American soil, although attack on Americans worldwide, and it is tempting to believe that the danger is behind us. That hope is understandable, comforting and false. The terrorists continue to plot against America and by our will and courage, this danger will be defeated. And also because we will continue to scare us with our dirty political tactics that we used to beat Kerry and his running mate with that ridiculous smile.

Inside the U.S., where the war began, we must continue to give homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us. And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows federal law enforcement to better share information like your criminal record, driving record, high school grades, SAT scores, social security, and credit card information; to track terrorists by listening to every single phone call made in the United States, also hoping to catch late-night calls by Paris Hilton; and to have the power to seize the assets of anyone with a foreign name and an accent. For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and dug traffickers, which only goes to show that we will watch you like Big Brother, nomatter WHO you are. Key provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire next year. Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to provide entertainment during their long posts at Homeland Security- without it, they won't be able to their neighbors' emails, screen their spouses' phones for potential extramarital affairs.

America is on the offensive against the terrorists who started this war. Last March, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, a mastermind of September 11th, awoke to find himself in the custody of U.S. and Pakistani authorities. His only comments were that he wanted his facial hair trimmed better than Saddam Hussein's. We are tracking al-Qaida around the world and nearly two-thirds of their known leaders have now been captured or killed. Thousands of very skilled and determined military personnel are on a manhunt, going after the remaining killers who hide in cities and caves and, one by one, we will bring the terrorists to justice. I'm sure that they have extra hoods from Abu Gharib.

As part of the offensive against terror, we are also confronting the regimes that harbor and support terrorists, and could supply them with nuclear, chemical, or biological weapons. Our paranoid approach has made plenty of enemies, but that only bodes well for our screw-the-economy plan. And Condi would've made every one of them very pissed off at us eventually with her glare and haughty arrogance.

The first to see our determination were the Taliban, who made Afghanistan the primary training base of al Qaeda killers. As of this month, that country has a new constitution, guaranteeing free elections and full participation by women. Of course, we could've focused all our attention on them, as the direct result of 9/11, but we had to go and topple the Iraqi tyrant. At the same time too, just to make sure that things are screwed up. Businesses are opening, health care centers are being established, and the boys and girls of Afghanistan are back in school. Of course, this also satisfies our Keep Jobs and Money Away From U.S. plan. Under this bold new idea, we'd happily neglect the unemployments in order to make sure that big businesses are sending more jobs to Afghanistan, India, and other parts of the world... just not the United States.

What Bush Really Meant: Part 1- Introduction

In this series, I will attempt to translate Bush's State of the Union address. The original, convoluted text can be viewed on CNN (which I will be using, along with its divisions of subjects). I actually kept most of the structure and phrasing in tact.

Introduction
Mr. Speaker, Dicky, all my fellow Republicans, the people my PR guy told me to invite, and the people that voted for me:
America this evening is a nation called to great responsibilities, like getting ourselves of the mess that we created. We don't need to because you guys voted me in, and I consider the infitessimal margin a mandate. As we gather here tonight, although somewhat less opulent than the $40 million party I threw a few weeks ago, thousands of American servicemen and women are stuck in Iraq because I, along with my equally incompetent administration, refuse to draft any plan of any sort to get the soldiers out.

Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking terrorist threats and filing them according to a color-coding scheme. Analysts examine airline passenger lists and pull over anyone with a "weird" name. You know, the kind that my administration views as "subhuman" because they aren't American and because we don't like to respect other countries and their culture. Meanwhile, the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are busy figuring out the exact shades of red, yellow, and orange to use in the color alert system. The American economy is flourishing- in the oversea factories- and the tax relief is a huge success for the already filthy-rich Americans...

Tonight, members of Congress can take pride in having been fooled by me! You are neglecting public schools, and pretending to improve the Medicare Program. However, we all know that that's just a scheme to distract Kerryites from the real important issues... like health care coverage. THerefore, in my speech, I will focus mainly on Social Security, which is the only institution I haven't fucked over... YET, and Iraq elections. All while keeping my comments on affordable health care as vague and noncommitted as possible.

We have faced serious challenges to gether and now we face a choice. We can go forward with confidence and resolve or we can continue doing what we've been doing all along: being paranoid and not really doing anything about it. You know the whole saying about "don't give a man a fish to eat, but teach him to fish"? Well, that's just a load of bullshit. I mean... We need to keep our troops in Iraq forever! It's part of my oil-colony plan! Wait, did I say that out loud? Ah, you guys are all standing up and clapping. I will now smile my goofy monkey-laugh and revel in the blind loyalty shown by my party. See, unlike the Democrats, the GOP has no such thing as "healthy dissent" or "debates". But I digress- with everyone so distracted with Iraq, we can avoid having to make do on the false promises I made during the campaign.

You dind't re-elect me without a reason. You wanted to keep screwing up. I have good news, America! We've always screwed up, and instead of opting to stop this mess and fix it, we're going keep doing everything WRONG! See? Americans are rising to the tasks of history- repeating it, mistakes included. The choices of the American people are showing that the state of our union is confidently divided and strongly conservative!

The Difference between Iraq and Iran?

We as a country pride ourselves on our intelligent minds, our beautiful democracy, the freedoms that are given to all. Unfortunately that's a rather idealistic view. A large part of America - the people outside the mainstream, hectic life along the coasts, the ones in the heartland, still believes in a simpler world. Here's the chorus to "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning" by Alan Jackson, written as a tribute to the victims of 9/11. It reflects the general knowledge people have about world affairs - and it ain't pretty:

I'm just a singer of simple songs;
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN, but I'm not sure I can tell you the difference
in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, Hope and Love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is Love.

This is the sort of thing the people believe in - simplicity, God, and conservative news channels. Combined they give a rather narrow world-view. In their quest to simplify life into black and white, ally and enemy, the American people set their minds in stone. They think that for the most part, they are uninvolved in world affairs, and that it's best to stay out of the muck. That explains the fact why Jackson sings about not understanding the difference between Iraq and Iran. What's the point? Why bother figuring out all this mumbo jumbo about foreign relations? Their reasoning is, if they kicked us in the balls (9/11) we go right back and kick them back, and to hell with any of their complaints. Bomb the terrorists, they think, the rest of their country be damned. During the Vietnam War, a popular slogan arose about winning the Vietnamese people's "hearts and minds". Soon, another popular saying arose, reflecting the realities of the war: "If you grab 'em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow." We're doing that again.

This also belies another glaring fault. The Iraq war may have been started with no real reason, but the least we can do is finish the damn thing and get the hell out. But military planners, surrounded with a "Zero-Tolerance" for failure attitude, crafted a plan that was weak in many areas. The Iraqi culture was not understood. The magnitude of the war was totally underestimated - we thought we could just steam in with our tanks and the rest of the country would follow. Not so. But what's a military planner to do? When the top brass lacks the cojones to disagree with the president, and the careers of their subordinates are in jeopardy, this is what happens. The Army needs a shakeup. I think this may be the only good part of a draft - draftees won't hesitate to bitch and moan about anything and everything, whereas career officers are only hoping for their promotions. What's happened to the legends of the past? Patton, Jackson, men like these went with their soldiers into the line of fire, and knew what was going on. Now you have "perfumed princes" sitting in front of their satellite displays, their only knowledge of the battle being reports and little blips on a monitor. They have no contact with the realities of war whatsoever. The first thing a president, member of congress, or officer should do after declaring war, is to send one of their kids into the thick of the battle as a grunt. We'd lose all the total bullshit about "bringing freedom", and learn a bit more about bringing our brains along with our (cannon)balls.

By the way, that song is actually a really nice song. I listened to it a lot when it came out, and it was on the top ten charts for weeks, maybe months. But that doesn't excuse the content. When can we get a country singer to sing about the foreign relations between the US and China? Bonus points if you don't mention bamboo hats and rice. I'm waiting...

-Victor