What Bush Really Meant: Part 2- War on Terror

Twenty-eight months have passed since September 11th, 2001. Over two years without an attack on American soil, although attack on Americans worldwide, and it is tempting to believe that the danger is behind us. That hope is understandable, comforting and false. The terrorists continue to plot against America and by our will and courage, this danger will be defeated. And also because we will continue to scare us with our dirty political tactics that we used to beat Kerry and his running mate with that ridiculous smile.

Inside the U.S., where the war began, we must continue to give homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us. And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows federal law enforcement to better share information like your criminal record, driving record, high school grades, SAT scores, social security, and credit card information; to track terrorists by listening to every single phone call made in the United States, also hoping to catch late-night calls by Paris Hilton; and to have the power to seize the assets of anyone with a foreign name and an accent. For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and dug traffickers, which only goes to show that we will watch you like Big Brother, nomatter WHO you are. Key provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire next year. Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to provide entertainment during their long posts at Homeland Security- without it, they won't be able to their neighbors' emails, screen their spouses' phones for potential extramarital affairs.

America is on the offensive against the terrorists who started this war. Last March, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, a mastermind of September 11th, awoke to find himself in the custody of U.S. and Pakistani authorities. His only comments were that he wanted his facial hair trimmed better than Saddam Hussein's. We are tracking al-Qaida around the world and nearly two-thirds of their known leaders have now been captured or killed. Thousands of very skilled and determined military personnel are on a manhunt, going after the remaining killers who hide in cities and caves and, one by one, we will bring the terrorists to justice. I'm sure that they have extra hoods from Abu Gharib.

As part of the offensive against terror, we are also confronting the regimes that harbor and support terrorists, and could supply them with nuclear, chemical, or biological weapons. Our paranoid approach has made plenty of enemies, but that only bodes well for our screw-the-economy plan. And Condi would've made every one of them very pissed off at us eventually with her glare and haughty arrogance.

The first to see our determination were the Taliban, who made Afghanistan the primary training base of al Qaeda killers. As of this month, that country has a new constitution, guaranteeing free elections and full participation by women. Of course, we could've focused all our attention on them, as the direct result of 9/11, but we had to go and topple the Iraqi tyrant. At the same time too, just to make sure that things are screwed up. Businesses are opening, health care centers are being established, and the boys and girls of Afghanistan are back in school. Of course, this also satisfies our Keep Jobs and Money Away From U.S. plan. Under this bold new idea, we'd happily neglect the unemployments in order to make sure that big businesses are sending more jobs to Afghanistan, India, and other parts of the world... just not the United States.